You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Randomize
