a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
