and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
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