I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
