im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
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I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
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She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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