Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
