Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
no you cant smoke seaweed
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
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