Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
Randomize