im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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