Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Randomize
