I hate your face
its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Randomize
