my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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