His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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