I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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