upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
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