I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Randomize
