even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
