Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
