today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
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