dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
