I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club