I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
