did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
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