You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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