Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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