there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
Randomize
