between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
