you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I'm getting married
To pizza
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
