So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
