I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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