Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
