Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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