great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Randomize
