It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
