I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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