i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
Randomize
