No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
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