Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
