If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
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