everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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