There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Boobs are out for the taking
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
