Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
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