We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
