Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I think my fart just growled at me.
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Randomize
