So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
