the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
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