he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Randomize
