My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Randomize
