I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
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