If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
ttyl tear gas
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
