Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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