Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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