I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
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