just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
