alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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