I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
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