A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
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