you thought your balls were fighting each other...
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Randomize
