I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Randomize
