I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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