if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
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