just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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